There was a TON of unmanageability in my life. Not only in my drinking life, but well into my sobriety.
The substance was merely a symptom.
When we put down the drink and the drugs, it doesn’t mean all our problems are solved. You have to keep in mind that the substance was merely a symptom. There is underlying insecurity, anxiety, sadness, low self-esteem, and other struggles that drive us to drink.
And once you start drinking to numb those feelings you start making poor choices and that affects your self-esteem. Drinking becomes the easy solution when feeling uncomfortable or nervous. And that’s how it traps you.
Some people have trauma and dysfunction that takes an emotional toll, and others may have mental health struggles that drive them to self-medicate.
The point is, we can have different journeys, and land in the same place.
Recovery is the process of healing all those underlying struggles and thought processes, and behaviors that go with them.
We feel injured, short-changed, we get negative because we are trapped in all the discomfort and shame we create.
We lose hope and begin to feel like we are doomed.
We feel anger and hatred toward people who are thriving in life because we are so jealous that we can’t seem to figure it out.
We are wounded, we are hurt, we are heartbroken, sad, embarrassed and ashamed.
Those are all the things we are healing in recovery, and that’s why it takes time.
Just putting down the drink or drugs doesn’t magically change everything. It just gives you a clear head so you can start to figure out all the other stuff.
How Unmanageability Surfaces
When I got sober, I didn’t really understand the concept of unmanageability. I know it’s in the first step, and I think I related it to drinking out of control and watching my life fall apart because I cared about alcohol more than I cared about my life.
But unmanageability surfaces in many ways and as I’ve been sober longer, I can connect those dots better.
One big thing I think about with unmanageability is the most basic life needs. The fundamental things that keep our lives going whether we do it well or not, but also that are a part of daily living.
Eating, sleeping, hygiene, housekeeping, paying bills.
The things we have to do for basic survival to maintain the life you’ve built.
I can look at those things now, and see where I was failing in all of them.
Eating.
I almost stopped eating entirely.
As my hangovers got worse, I couldn’t eat because I felt too bad. My whole body ached, my throat was sore from smoking so many cigarettes, and I was always bloated from drinking so much.
After I was up for several hours and started feeling better, sometimes I would eat, but a lot of times I would just start drinking again, and then I wouldn’t be hungry.
It wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t not eating because I didn’t want to eat or I was trying to lose weight or anything, I just wasn’t hungry once I started drinking.
Unmanageable.
Sleeping.
When I was drunk I didn’t sleep. I passed out.
There is a huge difference. When you don’t get the restful sleep your brain can’t perform some pretty important functions, or, it can’t perform at the top level.
I sleep better on days I go to the gym. My body is naturally more tired but exercise also helps your brain function. I definitely wasn’t doing this when I was drinking.
Some people will stay up all night watching TV, then feel like crap throughout the day. Especially when you are laying there, tired, and telling yourself to go to sleep, but you just keep watching and staying awake.
Unmanageable.
Hygiene.
Wow, this can be a struggle in a lot of ways.
For me, in my drinking life, I struggled with hygiene in two ways, washing my makeup off at night and brushing my teeth at night.
Now, that sounds pretty obvious because I was wasted and I would just fall into bed. But for those of you out there who wear makeup, you understand what a negative impact this can have on your skin. It’s gross. And it’s lazy and irresponsible. And that pretty much sums up exactly who I was as a human, lol.
I was okay with showering, I showered every day for the most part and I think it probably felt pretty good to wash off some of the hangover.
But there were also plenty of days that I woke up and never made it out of bed at all, to shower or anything else.
Unmanageable.
Housekeeping.
This is one of the first things to fall apart when I am feeling overwhelmed or mad at my life or extra tired.
A sink full of dishes right next to the dishwasher that I haven’t unloaded.
The garbage that is overflowing because I haven’t put it out.
The stack of mail and files and stuff that continues to grow because I don’t care to put it away.
When these ‘small’ details of my life are not being done well, it’s a good sign I’m dealing with some unmanageability.
When I notice my house getting a little messy, or my car getting messy it is a good sign that I am being lazy and not handling simple tasks.
And if I’m not handling simple tasks, chances are, I’m not handling the bigger tasks in my life either.
See how this all ties together?
We will never do all these things perfectly all the time.
I have to remind myself that I don’t want to be the person who avoids menial tasks, because if I avoid the small ones then I will also avoid the important ones. And that is not the person I want to be anymore.
You feel a thousand times better when you knock out some of those stupid little tasks you spend so much energy avoiding!
There is this great sense of accomplishment that comes with handling your life and doing the right things.
Paying Bills
Money was ALWAYS a source of fear and stress and anxiety in my home. All of my money messages were negative, and it instilled in me to always be afraid of money, that there is never enough and we have no control of it.
As a result of all those unhealthy belief systems, I went into my adult life extremely afraid of money and always afraid to run out. So I wouldn’t pay my bills because I didn’t want to run out of money.
A healthy mindset would be confident to pay the bill because their belief is that more money is coming. It’s okay to spend money because more is on the way.
An unhealthy mindset is scared to death to spend because you are full of fear that there is no more money coming.
I always waited until the last possible second to pay everything, and sometimes my stuff would get turned off because I waited too long.
I paid bills when I got the disconnect notice. Because I didn’t want to give them my money because I wanted to keep it to make me feel more secure.
There were plenty of times I didn’t pay bills, even when I had the money!
It’s another piece of unmanageability I recognized in my drinking life, and in my sober life.
The difference is, in my drinking life, I didn’t know how to change it.
With a sober mind I know how to find solutions and have the dedication to work on myself to change those parts I’m not proud of.
How is your unmanageability?