You wonder why you can’t accomplish something, or why it always feels like one step forward two steps back, and it may be because you’re sending yourself mixed messages.
I know it’s kind of a weird word in. It’s not one that you hear all the time so let me start by giving you a definition of dissonance:
Lack of agreement; inconsistency between beliefs and actions.
Now, let me give you an example.
I had a client many years ago who decided they wanted to open a savings account and start actively saving money from every paycheck. It is something they had wanted to do for a long time.
They knew they were spending more than they needed to, and some of that money could easily be saved. So the homework after that session was to research savings accounts and open one.
Super simple.
Next session, they came in all excited sharing with me the amazing trip to Mexico they just booked 🤔
After I got all the details about this incredible trip that was coming up, I asked about the savings account.
What bank did you decide on?
Why did you choose that bank?
Did you do it all online or did you go in somewhere?
Was it easy to get a debit card with your savings account?
And, I got a blank stare. They hadn’t done anything with the savings account.
Dissonance = Mixed Messages
When you say one thing, and do another, or you make a decision in your head but your actions don’t support that decision, you’re sending yourself mixed messages.
We’re also terrible at sending others mixed messages without even realizing it.
I’ll give you another quick story.
This was a client probably seven or eight years ago. She decided she was going to end her relationship. Not a super serious relationship, it was more casual but also a little unhealthy and she was ready to move on.
In one breath, she tells him to leave her alone, and give her space. And in the very next moment, she got angry with him for not walking her to the door.
I said, “Well, you just told him to leave you alone! You just broke up with him and asked him to honor your decision and give you space. He was doing was exactly what you just told him to do! How is he in trouble for doing what you told him to do?!?”
Mixed messages.
When you say you’re okay, but all your behavior and attitude clearly show you’re not okay.
Mixed messages.
When you say you aren’t drinking anymore, then you go to a party, or meet your drinking friends at the bar because ‘you don’t want to be different’.
Stopping drinking is different. So, do you want to be different, or do you want to be drunk?
Quitting drinking is different than what you are used to doing, so you’re going to have to be different and take different actions to support your decision.
You’re going to have to take different actions than going with your drinking friends to the drinking places.
Otherwise, you’re sending yourself mixed messages and this is what makes you feel like you’re losing your mind.
You can’t figure out why you can’t stop.
It’s because your words and your actions don’t match, and this dissonance causes major stress and anxiety because you’re pulling yourself in different directions.
It’s hard to figure out where to go and what to do and what’s the right thing because you are sending yourself mixed messages.
This why I say it’s so important to actually make the decision and be committed to your decision.
When I decided I wasn’t drinking anymore, I was no longer having to make that decision two hundred times a day, over and over again. The decision was made, I wasn’t drinking. Then, all my energy and focus went into figuring out what to do and how to spend my time so I wouldn’t drink or be around drinking.
No more: should I drink or not drink? Is it okay or not okay? Can I have just one, can I not? Maybe I can control it this time… I can start sobriety over tomorrow… no one will even know…
That dissonance will make you feel crazy. It creates confusion because you’re trying to do two opposite things.
It creates confusion for your brain because your brain doesn’t know which thing it’s supposed to support you in and everything is a mess because your messages are all mixed up and going against each other.
When you say you don’t want to drink anymore, and you know it’s challenging for you to hang out with all your drinking friends, then don’t go hang out with them. Make this process easier on yourself, recognize the challenge, and don’t put yourself in that position.
Put your time and energy into finding different, healthier ways to spend your time until you feel more comfortable and more confident.
Honor yourself and your decision and protect that decision. That’s how you start to feel better about it.