Because I am in the public eye a lot, people are often surprised to hear that I have terrible anxiety. There are situations that overwhelm me, and I have definitely been known to fake a headache and leave early to the safety of isolation.
In addiction, anxiety is very common. Primarily because anytime we feel uncomfortable, we run to the safety of our substance and the substance makes it all go away. At least temporarily.
For me, if I were nervous or bored or angry, a Corona Light and a double shot of tequila would solve all of that. Unfortunately, that also means I never learned any coping skills. And that means when I got sober I had zero tolerance for discomfort and zero ability to get through it. Hence, anxiety.
I knew I needed to get out of my comfort zone when I got sober. My comfort zone and methods of dealing with things, and my problem solving skills landed me in the hospital and jail multiple times. I knew I didn’t do it right.
Here’s How it Made Sense to Me
It made sense to me that I was going to have to do things that made me uncomfortable in my sobriety, and I was willing to do it. I knew every little thing I did had to be done differently, and I knew that I wanted to be stronger as a person so I wouldn’t fall prey to alcohol’s cunning late night call. I had to figure out how to change those traits that kept me scared and disconnected.
My approach to change is fairly simple. Everything we do in life begins as a thought in our heads. As that little voice in my head would talk to me and tell me to leave early or avoid eye contact or avoid talking to people, I knew I had to talk back to it to start reprogramming myself. I call it neutralizing. When a thought comes in that I DON’T want, I have to neutralize it with a thought that I DO want.
To overcome the anxiety of wanting to leave and get away from people, in any situation, I had to start small. I knew I wanted to be more comfortable and I was tired of acting like an awkward weirdo escaping a crowd as if Charles Manson were there asking about me.
Start Small
The first thing I did was I made a deal with myself that I was just going to say hi to one person at every meeting or conference or luncheon or whatever torture I was attending. That’s all I did- one person. At first it was uncomfortable, a lot of things were uncomfortable. But I knew my brain was telling me to be scared and anxious, telling me to leave, because that’s what it was used to doing. And I knew I had to take action to change that thought process. So I made myself say hi to one person.
Just hi, no further obligation.
My process began in 12 step meetings because that’s where I was every day, and that’s where I was showing up late and leaving early each day to avoid talking to anyone. And I did feel like a weirdo. So I started working out my ‘hi’ muscle, and it was super easy and required little commitment.
The best part is, it only took a few seconds! I kept telling myself, it’s a few seconds to say hello and smile, and then I can go. Surely I can tolerate a few seconds of discomfort! Eventually, that few seconds and simple hello turned into 4 or 5 more words; good to see you, have a good day, see you tomorrow- honestly, it was quick and painless.
As I took that simple action each day, it got easier. And the noise in my head telling me to run home and lock the door behind me began to get quieter. I began to feel more connected to the people in the rooms, and next thing I knew, I was looking forward to walking in because I knew people would smile and say hello to me!. Some people creeped me out because they wanted to hug and I’m not a hugger. So I would quickly return to my seat and sit down so people wouldn’t try to hug me. See, there’s always a solution 😉
Struggles with anxiety or negative thoughts or anger are normal for most people. And to change them means you have to take ACTION to begin breaking down those habits and thought processes- if I didn’t do anything to fight my anxiety it would have continued to grow bigger and bigger, I would have isolated more, and I would have become more detached from the world.
Action Creates Change
I have to ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE in changing myself and my thoughts if I want my happiness to grow bigger than my issues. We don’t get to be well just because we want to- and this goes for every area of life- we get to be well because we work at being well. And that means making a conscious effort to do things differently, to neutralize the negative issues and grow the positives.
When you have a thought that a drink sounds good, laugh in your head and say, “But I don’t drink anymore!” When you drive by the liquor store and feel like it’s calling your name, flip it the bird. Although I suggest doing this discreetly so as to not end up in a weird road rage incident because the guy next to you thought you were flipping him off. (true story)
Remember, your subconscious mind has one job: to keep you safe and comfortable. When you are trying to change anything about yourself it is naturally uncomfortable because you haven’t done it before! And your little subconscious is going to step in and try to hold you back. It will make up excuses like “I don’t need to go today”, or “I’m not as bad as those people”, or “I don’t have to return that call today or finish that assignment today, I can do it tomorrow”.
But if I want to be better or be different than I have been in my past, then I have to do things differently. I have to call when I don’t want to call, I have to go when I don’t want to go, I have to be uncomfortable when I don’t want to be uncomfortable, and I have to not drink even when I want to drink.
Everything we do in life takes practice. Relationships, being an adult, being a good student or good employee, it all takes practice- even my drinking took years of practice for me to get where I was. Neutralizing my issues and building my sobriety takes practice, too.
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